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As I begin to open up many of my entries to the world wide web, I feel it necessary to warn you:

This journal is like a diary. It will range with emotion and intelligence, as I do. Read at your own risk.

There are many entries and comments you won't be able to see, unless you're on my friends list. It only shows the public entries to visitors.

*Also, everything is a mess, while I try to arrange all the not-writing pieces. So, this thing isn't ready yet. I'm going back over eight years - all of which were "friends only", and it's going to take time. Feel free to check back later.

Eyes On The Prize

I have so much I need to accomplish over the next two months, and no idea how I'm going to do it.

For one, I need to get my health in order. My body has started to reflect things that will soon be irreversible. Yes, some of it's superficial, but it's quite important to me. I have never gotten to feel attractive in my life, and the time for me to do so is quickly running out. I need to lose weight, gain strength, and stop my skin from breaking out and scarring. My knees hurt, my arms are flabby, and I get winded walking up stairs. I only wear 40% of my wardrobe, because the rest doesn't fit comfortably. I am constantly sick (cold/pneumonia/bronchitis for a month) and tired (see previous). All I want to do is sit, eat, and stare. This is not who I want to be.
Secondly (and coinciding with the health thing because no one will hire a sloth), I need to write a sitcom. NBC is having a contest for new show ideas. I have dreamed of working on one for as long as I can remember. I am in competition with literally millions, and I am tragically unprepared. The submissions are due June 30th. I have several ideas, but nothing spectacular, or even concrete. I was going to take a class on script writing where I work, but it got canceled. The guy running the class charges $400, and I don't even have enough money to pay my bills. Somehow, I've got to work things out so I can create the best piece I have ever made. I am terrified I won't even make the callback list, but I have to try.
Then, I have this whole job thing to figure out. I can't keep working the way I have been. I'm not making money, and I'm not doing what I love. I'm poor as fuck, and only doing something I mostly like. Slowly, it's turning the corner to being something I don't hate... which will continue to something I kind of don't like... and eventually, it will be a job I dread going to, just like every other place I've ever worked. I've hit my ceiling, and no one has interest in helping me around it. I have said a million times how tired I am of being poor. I cannot stress it enough. My life is awful, and I can't waste another second of it suffering through.
Things need to happen in the next 60 days, or I'm in big, big trouble.

Hot N Cold

Of course, I have thought nonstop about M since yesterday.

There are many different reasons for this. I am almost frantic for some action. Either M possesses most of the qualities I look for in aforementioned action partner, or I'm trying to convince myself he does - out of growing desperation. I am wondering how/if we'll connect again, as we do not have each other's phone numbers and he is not on Bookface. I could easily think of things we could message about. I did text with Em today, and she mentioned nothing. She's the only way for him to contact me, so he must not have told her anything. I am concerned he misread my signals, as I am just terrible at sending them.

I also feel like I've had more fella interest lately. All last year it was just douchebags and SP. Suddenly, I feel I've hit a new tier of men folk, and there's more of a mutual interest. They're still not great, but they do seem to be of slightly higher quality. I think it might be my blonde hair. No joke.

I think I'm just lonely, in my way. I am craving physical interaction. I am unhappy with such a lengthy explanation, and no one I know is on the same page. I am still madly floundering. So, I want a presence to help absorb the chaos. Also, I'm down to one cat, which has never happened before.

M really could be a suitable fill in. We couldn't let things go for too long because we're not long-term compatible (unless his personality changes significantly). However, I do enjoy his company. He's quiet, and relatively easy to talk to. I cannot pull him up in life, but if he could hold his own we'd be all right. I just need him to go ahead and ask Em's permission, and then get a hold of me.

Though for all I know she could be against the idea, and none of this would matter.

In other news, SP e-mailed me out of nowhere with: "I'm going to be gone for much of September. Before I leave, do you need cash to cover a doctor visit?"

And coincidentally, I had just uttered the thought "He probably just never thinks about me at all." when I passed his CTA stop (at which I always think about him), and pondered sending him an update on floopy heart earlier today.

He is inexplicable.

Defying Gravity

It's like repeatedly trying to escape and failing.

That is why I am always so miserable. I am attempting, with all my might, to break free from my own horrid life. But things keep stopping me, or pulling me back down whatever air shaft I'm currently squeezing through.

When I go the wrong way, the path collapses beneath my weight. I fall, and scramble, and get injured. Then, I must regroup and start another route. Sometimes someone grabs me by the ankle, and keeps me in place, or tugs me down. I struggle free, and move on as best I can. It all takes awhile. I get worn out, because I do not have enough food, water, or rest for the journey. There are false entrances and exits. There are hidden passageways. Some people try to help by coming with me, but instead they hold me back, because they really don't want to leave. I run into bad guys. I make the wrong choices. I waste time dwelling on these things, when I should instead keep moving.

I get it now. The frustration, the exhaustion, the pain. No one gets out of a hell unscathed. Some people don't make it at all. And if all my favorite action movies are right, it will remain this hard until I am finally free. And only then will I know it was worth it.

I am my own John McClane.

STILL. SWINGING. (and yippee ki-yay)

Rich Girl

One of my co-workers today was talking about a gorgeous friend of hers who hit the proverbial jackpot this weekend. She's a young model/actress (25ish), who found a wealthy older man (43ish) who not only proposed with a "giant rock" but who also offered this girl effortless pursuit of her dream. She can now quit work, and live off of his paycheck, to continue her attempt at the arts. My work friend, who is 26 and just moved in with her boyfriend, spent her last sentence on the subject with the gem, "THAT's how you gotta do it. You gotta find a rich old man."

A few things you should know, before I rant:
1) This girl (who got engaged) is, in fact, one of the most beautiful women I've ever met in person. Like, she's proof I'm not a lesbian because I find her so breathtaking I'm amazed she exists to begin with, but I wouldn't sleep with her.
2) She is also charity-work kind, quite talented, and is clearly NOT using this man for his money.
3) This woman is (to my knowledge) fully deserving of her dream come true. My insecurities keep insisting on jealousy, but I fight against them and hope we are someday friends who both have it made, but knew each other when.

Now, for the disgust.

I am sick to death of the mentality that the best way for a woman to get somewhere is via her man. I have also been told my entire life, by more people than not, that I cannot succeed without a husband. I'm surrounded by women who value a man's income as highly (if not higher) as they do his personality and looks. It is a quest to find ends, without having to work for them. The goal is a ride - whether the destination is a house and babies, or a mansion and servants. I will never get the time back that I spent waiting for a knight's rescue, and I am horrified so many people I know think I should still be waiting there.

Batman

I'm putting it here, because I don't care to get into a thing on Bookface:

Ben Affleck is the first Batman I've approved of since Val Kilmer (and that was only because I had a crush on him).

What??? A smart, wealthy, kind, and talented man has been chosen to play a smart, wealthy, kind, and talented character? HOW DARE THEY!

I like him. I think he'll do just fine.

No more Anne Hathaway or Emma Stone though, please. I'm sick of those ladies.

I'm Like A Bird

I live in the city, and I miss the suburbs. However, when I live in the suburbs, I miss the city. I am Milo Crinkley.

I miss always having somewhere to park for free, even if it was at the end of the row. I miss "crowded" being 20 people in the same place. I miss long stretches of road with no one else on them. Most of my friends and family live out there. My pretend-fond memories are out there. It's quiet. It's less expensive. It's safer. But it's too far away from the work I need to do.

The city is awake when I am. I can (in theory) order sushi at 1am. I have somewhere to go at any hour. There is diversity, and culture, and intelligence here. There are more independent shops than lifeless chain stores. Public transportation can get me anywhere I need to go, even if it takes awhile. I would not be able to work insane hours, and in various places, and meet the people I have if I weren't down here.

Still, I am sad and scared. In the last 10 or so years, I have moved from the suburb VH, to the suburb P, back to VH, then back to P, then back to VH (no joke), then to the city, then back to VH (seriously), then back to P, and now back to the city.

The returns to VH are because that's where my dad and grandmother live(d), and I moved in with them a few times when I had nowhere else to go. I never hated VH, but it basically closes down at 9pm. It reminds me of the things I could have wanted and had in my adult life. I just wish I had wanted them.

P was great. It was about 20 minutes from my grandmother, 45 minutes from my parents, and half an hour or less from everyone else in the burbs. I kept going back there, because it was affordable but not dumpy. It had all the advantages of VH, with a smaller population. THE LIBRARY WAS UNBELIEVABLE. I couldn't stay there, though. It's too far from the city. The trains (which averaged a 1.5 hour commute) stop just after midnight, and driving down was 45 minutes without traffic, plus the expense and time of parking.

So, I'm here, wishing I were there. When I was there, I missed being here. And I really, really miss the north woods of Minnesota. That's a whole level of yearning I don't have time to get into now.

Where is my home?

Born Under A Bad Sign

Say, here's something I've never said before (again): I'M MISERABLE.

My memories try to trick me into thinking I used to be happy. I know I wasn't. I remembering not being. However, when I think back to the late 90s and early aughts, I feel a nostalgia as if they were the good times. Sure, I was younger and didn't know what I do now (though that can be said about time only seconds back). I would do almost anything to go back, because it would be a chance to redo the last 10-15 years with a new set of knowledge and experience. But I was not happy then. I was just as scared and frustrated as I am now. Then life continued to be hard and even, to my surprise, get harder as time went on. So, when I think back, it is a longing for the youth and hope I've lost along the way. It is not because I enjoyed that life. It is also regret. I am sorry I lost some of the relationships I had, and I am devastated to have made some of the decisions I did.

I am also antagonized by a parallel present. Random things trigger it - a commercial for night cream... strangers dining in a restaurant as I walk by... the strawberry candles I have burning at this moment. I should be using that night cream, and eating in that restaurant. My candles and I should be in a quality home, and not the dump under an airline flight path in which we currently reside. I don't know why things haven't worked out yet. I don't understand why I have to consider $7 a splurge, while my co-worker (who laughed when I said so, because he thought I was kidding) can thoughtlessly spend that on his lunch every day. He's only a month older than I am. I am the poorest person I know, and I am continuing to get poorer despite the every-direction effort I am putting in to not be.

Then, there's the future. I get whiffs and wantonments (that's a word, right?) for what it all needs to become. But the reality is a bleak picture. Because a year ago, things were the worst they'd ever been, and they're even more awful now. At every check point, I hope it's the last time I'm in that dire a shape. Yet when the next comes around, life is somehow more detestable than ever - while I remember having been desperate, just X-or-so days prior, for things to be better by that next flag. So, I have very little hope. The balance is so far off now, it might require a full blown miracle to get me where I need to be. Considering what's happened, and not happened, at this point, I'm not holding my breath.

Also, I have a cold on my first real day off in weeks. I don't even have the energy to go get orange juice. Not that I can afford it.

I'm blue.

Harden My Heart

I am overwhelmed with dread and frustration today. Floopy heart is achy from it. I haven't gotten the echo-cardiogram yet. There's just too much going on.

I don't know why I'm feeling so scared at the moment. I guess it's because I'm still not getting the time off and income combination I need, and it was only a matter of time before that took over. I'm extraordinarily busy, and have nothing to show for it but lack of time/sanity. Many of my co-workers are infuriating me (including SP) and I want desperately to be working somewhere else. I do like my job, but it cannot be my steady boyfriend. We need to be just friends. I require a good, supportive, well-paying job to be my significant other.

I wish I could have a kickstarter. "W is out of money, and needs $25,000 to fund the next year it's going to take to get into a showbiz job with a salary. She'll pay it all back as soon as there's an income to do so. Please donate so she doesn't have to live in a box. She works harder than anyone, and is only failing because she's poor. Think of her next time you watch something on cable, or go out to dinner. She can't afford either."

Okay, back to life.

Who Are You?

I don't know. Everything is still hard. Nothing is showing up to save me. Growing frustration and disgust. Blah blah.

Life goes on around me, and I am all-consumed by the fight to live one myself. I am missing everything, in hopes to one day experience something. There is nothing to indicate I will make it. In fact, most signs currently point to imminent doom.

I hate that the only people who know my value can't do anything about it. I hate that the people who should know my value, don't (*cough* SP).

And I'm not even that valuable yet. I still have so far to go. I need experience, and knowledge, and a clear head and sound body - I need to be so much better than I am. But I'm not improving, am I?

I work harder than anybody else, but I am not succeeding, and I am not indispensable. There is nothing uniquely impressive about me. I don't even write anymore. I spend all my time struggling, and supporting other people's work. I don't create. I am not at peace. I am failing.

I am losing myself in this mess. It must stop.

So, how? Come one, Self. Fix this.