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I'm Like A Bird

I live in the city, and I miss the suburbs. However, when I live in the suburbs, I miss the city. I am Milo Crinkley.

I miss always having somewhere to park for free, even if it was at the end of the row. I miss "crowded" being 20 people in the same place. I miss long stretches of road with no one else on them. Most of my friends and family live out there. My pretend-fond memories are out there. It's quiet. It's less expensive. It's safer. But it's too far away from the work I need to do.

The city is awake when I am. I can (in theory) order sushi at 1am. I have somewhere to go at any hour. There is diversity, and culture, and intelligence here. There are more independent shops than lifeless chain stores. Public transportation can get me anywhere I need to go, even if it takes awhile. I would not be able to work insane hours, and in various places, and meet the people I have if I weren't down here.

Still, I am sad and scared. In the last 10 or so years, I have moved from the suburb VH, to the suburb P, back to VH, then back to P, then back to VH (no joke), then to the city, then back to VH (seriously), then back to P, and now back to the city.

The returns to VH are because that's where my dad and grandmother live(d), and I moved in with them a few times when I had nowhere else to go. I never hated VH, but it basically closes down at 9pm. It reminds me of the things I could have wanted and had in my adult life. I just wish I had wanted them.

P was great. It was about 20 minutes from my grandmother, 45 minutes from my parents, and half an hour or less from everyone else in the burbs. I kept going back there, because it was affordable but not dumpy. It had all the advantages of VH, with a smaller population. THE LIBRARY WAS UNBELIEVABLE. I couldn't stay there, though. It's too far from the city. The trains (which averaged a 1.5 hour commute) stop just after midnight, and driving down was 45 minutes without traffic, plus the expense and time of parking.

So, I'm here, wishing I were there. When I was there, I missed being here. And I really, really miss the north woods of Minnesota. That's a whole level of yearning I don't have time to get into now.

Where is my home?

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