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Hot N Cold

Of course, I have thought nonstop about M since yesterday.

There are many different reasons for this. I am almost frantic for some action. Either M possesses most of the qualities I look for in aforementioned action partner, or I'm trying to convince myself he does - out of growing desperation. I am wondering how/if we'll connect again, as we do not have each other's phone numbers and he is not on Bookface. I could easily think of things we could message about. I did text with Em today, and she mentioned nothing. She's the only way for him to contact me, so he must not have told her anything. I am concerned he misread my signals, as I am just terrible at sending them.

I also feel like I've had more fella interest lately. All last year it was just douchebags and SP. Suddenly, I feel I've hit a new tier of men folk, and there's more of a mutual interest. They're still not great, but they do seem to be of slightly higher quality. I think it might be my blonde hair. No joke.

I think I'm just lonely, in my way. I am craving physical interaction. I am unhappy with such a lengthy explanation, and no one I know is on the same page. I am still madly floundering. So, I want a presence to help absorb the chaos. Also, I'm down to one cat, which has never happened before.

M really could be a suitable fill in. We couldn't let things go for too long because we're not long-term compatible (unless his personality changes significantly). However, I do enjoy his company. He's quiet, and relatively easy to talk to. I cannot pull him up in life, but if he could hold his own we'd be all right. I just need him to go ahead and ask Em's permission, and then get a hold of me.

Though for all I know she could be against the idea, and none of this would matter.

In other news, SP e-mailed me out of nowhere with: "I'm going to be gone for much of September. Before I leave, do you need cash to cover a doctor visit?"

And coincidentally, I had just uttered the thought "He probably just never thinks about me at all." when I passed his CTA stop (at which I always think about him), and pondered sending him an update on floopy heart earlier today.

He is inexplicable.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
weltschmerzed
Sep. 3rd, 2013 06:04 pm (UTC)
Yes, SP is a loss. I do love him in a special way, but he is quite senseless & too much trouble.

I'm concerned I'm ignoring the red flags about M out of desperation. But, I suppose if his sister gives the green light, she would do so with full knowledge of what we're getting into. If I were allowed to be as weird as I am, I'd draw up a renewable monthly contract.

My worry is that he (like most people) cannot hold to logic over emotion. I can. I can be devastated and still have a conversation in which it's sensibly discussed, with full disclosure. Most people get wrapped up in their feelings and try to protect themselves by withholding. Someone like M could be even worse, because he is in constant pain and not in control of his emotional outbursts. AND there's extra accountability on my part because he's my bff's brother.

Well, either way, I guess I'll just let it run its own path. Next time I'm over there, I'll talk to them each. No sense in moving forward blindly.

(Deleted comment)
weltschmerzed
Sep. 3rd, 2013 08:18 pm (UTC)
Right. I try to avoid potential trauma on either side, because these situations tend to be abnormally explosive for me. I would never forgive myself if something happened to my friendship with Em.

What was your news today?

(Deleted comment)
weltschmerzed
Sep. 4th, 2013 03:08 am (UTC)
:( I'm sorry; that must be a weird sad for you
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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