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Eyes On The Prize

I have so much I need to accomplish over the next two months, and no idea how I'm going to do it.

For one, I need to get my health in order. My body has started to reflect things that will soon be irreversible. Yes, some of it's superficial, but it's quite important to me. I have never gotten to feel attractive in my life, and the time for me to do so is quickly running out. I need to lose weight, gain strength, and stop my skin from breaking out and scarring. My knees hurt, my arms are flabby, and I get winded walking up stairs. I only wear 40% of my wardrobe, because the rest doesn't fit comfortably. I am constantly sick (cold/pneumonia/bronchitis for a month) and tired (see previous). All I want to do is sit, eat, and stare. This is not who I want to be.
Secondly (and coinciding with the health thing because no one will hire a sloth), I need to write a sitcom. NBC is having a contest for new show ideas. I have dreamed of working on one for as long as I can remember. I am in competition with literally millions, and I am tragically unprepared. The submissions are due June 30th. I have several ideas, but nothing spectacular, or even concrete. I was going to take a class on script writing where I work, but it got canceled. The guy running the class charges $400, and I don't even have enough money to pay my bills. Somehow, I've got to work things out so I can create the best piece I have ever made. I am terrified I won't even make the callback list, but I have to try.
Then, I have this whole job thing to figure out. I can't keep working the way I have been. I'm not making money, and I'm not doing what I love. I'm poor as fuck, and only doing something I mostly like. Slowly, it's turning the corner to being something I don't hate... which will continue to something I kind of don't like... and eventually, it will be a job I dread going to, just like every other place I've ever worked. I've hit my ceiling, and no one has interest in helping me around it. I have said a million times how tired I am of being poor. I cannot stress it enough. My life is awful, and I can't waste another second of it suffering through.
Things need to happen in the next 60 days, or I'm in big, big trouble.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 20th, 2014 02:31 am (UTC)
I wish I had some words of comfort to offer that I haven't already used. But you have talent and wit and I'm sure somehow this will work out.

And this is going to sound weird, and maybe it's because I'm so sumo wrestler-ish, but you've always seemed small to me and not at all overweight, and the last time I saw you (maybe it's due to the gluten-free diet) you seemed to have dropped about 10-15 lbs. Is the extra weight all either in your head or just well-hidden, but I don't see it? I mean, we can all stand to be healthier, but maybe part of the physical issues are connected to depression about your current situation?

I hope things are going better for you.
May. 25th, 2014 05:16 am (UTC)
Thank you. It's just so hard - not only the doing, but the not knowing if any of this will ever be worth it. I'm trudging wearily, with no end in sight, nor anything to indicate a positive outcome. But I have to keep going, because stopping would be a guaranteed fail.

And I think I just hide my weight well. For a bit, I wondered if I maybe had a dysmorphia, but my clothing sizes and actual weight prove I'm accurate. But thanks.

Please keep sending the good vibes.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )



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