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Born Under A Bad Sign

Say, here's something I've never said before (again): I'M MISERABLE.

My memories try to trick me into thinking I used to be happy. I know I wasn't. I remembering not being. However, when I think back to the late 90s and early aughts, I feel a nostalgia as if they were the good times. Sure, I was younger and didn't know what I do now (though that can be said about time only seconds back). I would do almost anything to go back, because it would be a chance to redo the last 10-15 years with a new set of knowledge and experience. But I was not happy then. I was just as scared and frustrated as I am now. Then life continued to be hard and even, to my surprise, get harder as time went on. So, when I think back, it is a longing for the youth and hope I've lost along the way. It is not because I enjoyed that life. It is also regret. I am sorry I lost some of the relationships I had, and I am devastated to have made some of the decisions I did.

I am also antagonized by a parallel present. Random things trigger it - a commercial for night cream... strangers dining in a restaurant as I walk by... the strawberry candles I have burning at this moment. I should be using that night cream, and eating in that restaurant. My candles and I should be in a quality home, and not the dump under an airline flight path in which we currently reside. I don't know why things haven't worked out yet. I don't understand why I have to consider $7 a splurge, while my co-worker (who laughed when I said so, because he thought I was kidding) can thoughtlessly spend that on his lunch every day. He's only a month older than I am. I am the poorest person I know, and I am continuing to get poorer despite the every-direction effort I am putting in to not be.

Then, there's the future. I get whiffs and wantonments (that's a word, right?) for what it all needs to become. But the reality is a bleak picture. Because a year ago, things were the worst they'd ever been, and they're even more awful now. At every check point, I hope it's the last time I'm in that dire a shape. Yet when the next comes around, life is somehow more detestable than ever - while I remember having been desperate, just X-or-so days prior, for things to be better by that next flag. So, I have very little hope. The balance is so far off now, it might require a full blown miracle to get me where I need to be. Considering what's happened, and not happened, at this point, I'm not holding my breath.

Also, I have a cold on my first real day off in weeks. I don't even have the energy to go get orange juice. Not that I can afford it.

I'm blue.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 24th, 2013 03:46 am (UTC)
Thank you. I wouldn't think it was weird. I mean it's not weird, right? It's normal? Friends do and accept nice things for/from each other.

I'd just not know how to appropriately accept said visit and package, because I'd feel all imposition-y. And I'm even more socially awkward when sick, so I'd talk as much as possible in the attempt to appear comfortable and normal.

I'm weird.

But I have work at 9am, so I'll be out to get my own supplies again tomorrow.
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 25th, 2013 04:30 pm (UTC)
No, I think you're right. I wanted OJ, but there was no one to comfortably bring me OJ. This is why I need to be rich. I'd have no problem paying to have groceries delivered.

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )



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